On 4-20-06 I sold everything I owned and flew to the Amazon jungle on a journey of self discovery. I lived 1 year with a native Shipibo community in a village called San Francisco. While in the Amazon I worked intensively with a shamanic tea called Ayahuasca, which opened my eyes to a whole new way of seeing the world. Here you will find journal entries taken directly from my recently published memoir titled, "Journal: Into the heart of the Amazon in search of Truth"
My parents gave me a journal when I was 7 years old and encouraged me to write in it. I recorded my thoughts, dreams, day to day experiences, and drew pictures. I was honest and open in my journal because I knew nobody would read it except for me. But, at the age of 9, my dad found my journal while making my bed, and decided to read it. He had a talk with me about something he read. I felt angry and betrayed, so a few days later I decided to place my journal in the wood burning stove and light it on fire. As I sat watching my journal go up in flames, I made a promise to myself that I would never keep a journal again.
At age 25, I received a Christmas gift from my younger brother Seth. It was a brand new, small black journal. It took me several months before I gathered the courage to write down my thoughts again. This is that journal which I kept from 2003-2008. Many of the names and places have been changed to protect the privacy of those who have found themselves within these pages.
As a child, I looked out at the world with so much curiosity. When I fell asleep at night, I would think about God and try to understand where I came from. As much as I thought about the origins of life, I could never seem to figure it out. Where did all of this begin? If there was a God, then who created God? All of this creation and life had to begin somewhere, so then what created life? How can something exist before nothing existed? After lying in bed for hours thinking about my life and the origins of life, I would drift off into the land of dreams, and then wake up to a new day filled with more unanswered questions.
As a child, I also felt an inner desire to travel. I wanted to explore the world. I wanted to go out into the world by myself, and prove to myself that I could make it on my own. I imagined traveling to Mexico or South America. I imagined visiting new places, and discovering new people and cultures along the way. Deep within, I wanted to understand why I was here on earth, and I thought that traveling to new places would help me answer these questions.
I looked out at the world and saw so much pain, suffering, and unhappiness. I saw unhappiness within my own family, and I wondered why it was so difficult to live in peace. Why is there War? And why do Americans have so much, when most of the world has so little? Why do our leaders speak of peace and goodwill on one hand, while holding nuclear bombs in the other? I wanted to understand, but none of this made any sense to me.
I didn’t find answers to these questions in school. Instead, I learned how to multiply and divide numbers. I learned about Christopher Columbus, George Washington, and how to spell words correctly. I learned about science, history, and mathematics. There were no classes on philosophy, or world religions, or discussions about Truth and Love. I felt like I was being forced to learn information that was not really important.
By the age of 14 I entered my freshmen year of High School, and had stopped asking questions. My priorities shifted. I wanted to be cool, to dress cool, be accepted by my friends, and have as much fun as I could. I remember slowly disconnecting from the inner voice within me; I began to ignore my conscience. At night when I was going to sleep, I would think about girls instead of God. I would think about my homework, an argument with my parents, or the Gulf War. Sometimes, I would think about friends and teachers, or listen to the radio as I drifted off to sleep. There were still unanswered questions within me, but I was ignoring them.
After 12 years of school in the American education system, I had no desire to go to college. I had enough school and I wanted to enjoy life. I still had a desire to see the world but I had no money, and my job at a hardware store wasn’t going to get me very far. After working for 6 months, and feeling pressure to do something productive with my life, I thought about joining the military. A few months later, I found myself enlisted in the US Marines.
My 4 years in the military took me around the world to Australia, South Korea, and Okinawa, Japan. I was stationed on Military bases in California, North Carolina, and New York. After experiencing different cultures and talking with a variety of people from all walks of life, I began to find more and more pieces of the puzzle.
After the military, I had an office job for two years where I felt like I was slowly dying. I had to find some way to break free. There had to be something I could do that would allow me to have a sense of freedom. In 2002, while walking across Northern Spain on an ancient pilgrimage route, I discovered that I wanted to be an artist.
I moved from Santa Cruz, California to Portland, Oregon, and over the next few years, I established myself as a self-employed artist. This gave me more freedom, and a lot of time to think about life. I wasn’t interested in becoming a famous artist. I wanted to have freedom, time to meditate, a healthy lifestyle, and to do things that I felt good about. My journal writing allowed me to travel within, and consider things in my life more deeply and thoroughly. As I discovered more about myself, I began to focus on my desire to find answers more than anything else.
I started to meet more and more people that were searching for the same answers. I started to notice that I was being guided by something. I began finding more pieces of the puzzle in unexpected places. Eventually, this guiding force led me to Peru on a voyage of self-discovery. The following pages document my thought process, my questions, experiences, feelings, and the ultimate discovery of answers to my questions. When I began writing in my journal it was not my intention to share, or publish this information. But, as my journey in Peru came to an end, I felt inspired to share my story with others who are on their own path of self-discovery.
Many of my experiences have led me out of the structured non-questioning reality in which many people in the western world exist. So it is recommended that the following words are considered with an open mind, and most importantly, an open heart.
First, a few personal headlines: 20 Kilo cocaine drug bust, amazon river boat pirates, bloody non-venomous snake bite, camera robbery and knife attack, drinking old san pedro cactus and throwing up, thousands of mosquito bites, explosive diarrhea, wet tent and sleeping bag, broken boat motor, inexperienced jungle guide, sun burn and jungle rot, strange giant turtle and frog, amazon creatures, small flesh eating piranha, fishing at night using spear and flashlight, and looking for crocodiles in small canoe.
I don’t have time to get into all of the details, but the adventure has sure stepped up a few notches. Things are going great, and I feel great. I am traveling a little bit lighter after losing my camera to three knife wielding thieves in the center of a busy market in Belen, just outside of Iquitos. I guess it is true. Belen can be a hazardous place when a tourist carries a camera bag on his shoulder. After running after the three guys for several blocks and yelling “LADRON” (pickpocket), and “RATERO” (thief)...they got away and nobody came to help me. It was an exciting little visit to Belen, and now I don't have a camera to be stolen anymore.
Marcin and his two friends from Poland arrived last week, and we all decided to travel downstream for 4 days to the remote city of Iquitos. We have been in the Iquitos area for almost two weeks now. The trip to Iquitos from Pucallpa was perfect. Somehow we managed to get a discount on our ticket, and a free 4-bed cabin on board the large, two-story boat. The food was good (for boat cooking), nice staff, and not too many passengers. Meals were served three times a day and usually consisted of salty chicken soup with beans and rice. We each needed to bring our own plate and utensils, and supply all of our own drinking water and toilet paper.
Our boat stayed along the shore one night because the captain was afraid of pirates who often board the boat and rob the passengers. There was also a 20 kilo drug bust halfway to Iquitos. Someone on board decided to traffic cocaine, and the police were notified and waiting at one of the port villages. The young man was hiding plastic bags filled with cocaine in an old air compressor, and was arrested and taken away by port security police.
I just got back from a six day jungle trip into the National Reserve Pacaya Samiria, in Northern Peru. It was Jungle like I have never seen...so clean, pure, relaxing, refreshing, and inspiring. We stayed along the main river and didn't see too many animals. We did see a lot of dolphins, and a never-ending varietiy of birds. I learned an important lesson thanks to the millions of mosquitoes. They only bother me as much as I let them bother me. There is a choice. Isn't there always a choice in everything? This made me remember just how much I control my experience. How do I choose to react to things? How do I choose to live?
My travels have slowed down the past few months. I have remained in the area surrounding Pucallpa, making the one hour journey into town by boat a few times each week to check email and buy food. I have not encountered any new pueblos, villages, or tourist sights, so this journal will be more about the cultural aspects of the Shipibo culture of San Francisco and surrounding area. Also, more of my thoughts and experiences......
Life for the past seven months among the Shipibos has been interesting, to say the least. Because of western influences, such as religion, tourism, logging companies, electricity (and with it radios, WWF wrestling, soap operas, and all other influences from the modern world), and a new logging road connecting Pucallpa to San Francisco, life for the Shipibos has changed dramatically over the past 30 years.
I have spent hours listening to elders of the community talk about a time not so long ago when the community was living in near-paradise. A dense tropical jungle surrounded the village with monkeys, birds, and animals of all kinds. The rivers and lakes were clean and overflowing with fish, all food could be found, and life was sustained without the need for money...This was just 30 years ago.
In my lifetime...this culture has been so dramatically changed that I cannot begin to put myself in their shoes. Logging companies have bulldozed what was once a jungle, and most of the animals have left since their habitat was destroyed. The rivers and lakes are polluted from chemical spills, gasoline, oil, detergents, waste, and an electrical plant located a few miles upstream. Fish? There are no longer fish like there was before...they now catch fewer, smaller sized fish. Their diet now includes items such as salt, oil, eggs, chicken, coco powder, refined sugar, soda, drink mixes, and a lot of fried foods. Cancer and especially diabetes, which was unheard of 30 years ago, is now affecting the community. Some of the young children are sick for weeks at a time with diarrhea and vomiting, and with this, loss of body weight and malnutrition.
I listen to stories of the past and I look at where the Shipibos are at today, and I can imagine where their current path leads. The Material World is calling them to change their values and natural way of life. To give up customs and traditions and trade them in for a new television, designer jeans, cd-discman, and a new western education, so they can be free to leave the village and find a low paying job in the city.
The Shipibos are friendly, inviting, warm, kind hearted, and innocent. This does not mean that they are all perfect. When tourists visit the village the Shipibos often try to sell what they can so they can put food on the table, or to help pay for school costs, or medical bills....most will invite visiting tourists into their home to live, for a donation. With the rapid changes entering their culture from every angle, they have not had an easy life.
I have enjoyed my time here and have learned a lot about my life, and the lives of others. I can see more clearly the negative and positive effects which come through the introduction of the western world, which I am a part of. With the use of ayahuasca I have gained new insights, and a feeling of clarity like I have never experienced before. I have come to know that everything is perfection, and that everything is One. The only separation exists as an idea within the human mind, along with fear, and suffering.
I have learned that I am not my identity, I am not my mind, I am not the person known as Joel, but that I AM. This can be understood by those with an open mind, who have a desire to go within...very important time which is lacking in the modern western world of consumerism, capitalism, war propaganda, and fear creating news media.
It is so important to take the time to seriously consider life, and what life is. We are speeding up to a breaking point in the modern world. We often agree to live with stress, unhappiness, greed, self gratification, hours and hours sitting and waiting in traffic, all forms of abuse, etc.. We should be figuring out by now that this system is not functioning. When did all forms of stress and sickness become normal and acceptable?
From here, I will most likely travel with Marcin to the Cuzco area, or Lake Titicaca, leaving in about one month. There is also a possibility of travel to Iquitos, the main jungle tourist destination in Peru, in a few weeks time (my journal should get more interesting in the near future with my coming travels....more new places to visit!). Also, I have not been involved with ayahuasca for several weeks now, in part because I don’t have any more questions. The use of ayahuasca assisted me in gaining insight and clarity as to what my path in life is. Now I can live what I know to be my Truth and share this with others.
When I used the medicine in a ceremony, ayahuasca helped to short-circuit my mental pre-programming (ego or identity), which allowed me to step away from my former life, and look at everything through the eyes of my Spirit, or self, to see clearly what was truth and what was not. To put this into a modern language that is easier to understand: I basically hacked into the system, and then re-wired the program. And, it has been quite an adventure!!
I am forever grateful to the Shipibo community of San Francisco, for providing a place where I could transform my life and myself. With the aid of ayahuasca, and through seeking for answers, I have come to understand many of my self-sabotaging, and self-limiting ideas and beliefs. I have come to a different understanding about my awareness that was hidden before...hidden by life in a modern society full of distractions.
This path is discovered by all who seek....not only through the use of ayahuasca, but all those who seek, will find....through whichever path is chosen. What am I seeking? How much action or effort am I giving to this search for answers? Truth seeking is first doubting, and then desiring to know Truth. Truth comes from Knowing, and Knowing comes from Direct Experience.
I was living with many false truths before I came to Peru. Truths that I was taught, or that I read about, or truths that came from other sources. Very few truths were my own. But before, I had never really searched for Truth. For the most part, I accepted what religion and society told me to believe.
What is truth? Truth is Love. Everything else leads to pain, loss, disharmony, separation, destruction, and suffering. What is Love? Each person has the answers within. Love is the Truth – it’s who we are.
With the understanding now gained, living on this land in Peru is no longer necessary. It feels like it will soon be time for me to leave the cacoon, leave the classroom of life, leave the nest, and Live what I have come to Know, and live from a place of Love.
Where to from here? Into the present moment, the only thing that exists.
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Wow it is 2007!! -I have been waiting -building new things on the land, planting yucca, banana, and papaya -waiting for Marcin to arrive once again. I have been looking forward to his return since September. It is now January. Four months of learning and evolving. I worked with Ali, Daniella, Guillermo, Don Jesus, and ayahuasca. Got to points of clarity never before known. Feeling clear -feeling like a totally different person.
Marcin is returning on the 14th of this month. I am so happy to be seeing him again. It has not been an easy task developing the land, having employees, being the boss, so to speak. I did make mistakes but thankfully have learned a lot of good lessons. I have been living off of my credit card for the past month. I know I must return to the US. I want to put what I have learned to the test. My desire is to walk in faith, in knowing, and trust, for the rest of my life. No maps, No guidebooks.
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4:21pm: I have an intuition, a voice inside that guides. This voice is Spirit. If I listened and followed the guiding of Spirit more often, where would I be? Who would I be? There are signs that enter my life which guide me; synchronicities, coincedences, dejavu, divine encounters, and blessed experiences. All of this allows me to evolve in the direction of Spirit if I choose. If I am not listening to Spirit, if I am being brainwashed, filled with fear, self-doubt, and stress....I am not able to clearly hear the voice that guides. Instead, I continue down a path without light, into the shadows. My guide is from the light, and this is the path I choose. I take responsibility for what I create. My life, and the experiences that enter my life, are my creation - to learn and grow.
When I watch TV I don’t feel like I am living. I feel my life being stolen from me, sucked away -hour by hour. I am not living when I watch TV. I am not creating. I’m watching someone else’s creation. If I am not creating, I don’t feel like I am living. So many television zombies from the penthouses of downtown New York, to the shantie towns of India-- Television Zombies?....is this really what we have become?
10:23pm: I am learning. It is as if I am on a mission....like a spiritual mission. Like I have come to Peru on a mission to find answers. We are all God’s children. We each are perfect, not imperfect, not “fallen” as some religions would have us believe. I am listening to where my inner voice is calling, and leading. Deep within me I feel a calling. This calling comes from an inner place of felt and understood knowing; a level beyond my rational mind.
Because within my rational mind there exists no other real voice. How could there be? To my rational mind, I am Joel..the former Marine, the artist, the pianist, the property manager, the brother, son, and friend. However, within these titles, or identites, or expressions, or roles......I feel limited. So, I have gone on a search within, and am finding there is indeed a within. A place where I am being called to explore.
This place within is more real than all other external realities. External realities are based on judgments, and dependant on individual opinion and speculation. The within that I am exploring is real, it does exist, and it is guiding me to live from this inner place. Living from my Spirit, living with Spirit, living as Spirit.
I can look at western life, and observe what that life has to offer me. The western world has plenty of illusions to offer me: Wealth, material posessions, good paying job, two weeks vacation each year, plastic surgery if I feel imperfect, hair implants if I start to go bald, medications if I get sick, lypo suction when I get fat, and advanced medical care when I get cancer...if I still have enough money to pay for it.
To live with the western mindset is to ignore my inner guidance. Can wisdom be gained through living asleep in an illusion? Can the meaning of love be found within a system that feeds off of the ignorant? Love is not separation, nor does it create separation. Western life is the definition of separation: The mastery and cultivation of individualism. When I believe, “I am separate from others,” it is because I have forgotten that we are all ONE. How can I love when I am living separate from everything and everyone? This is living a lie. Because the truth is, we are all the same energy, from the same creation. We are born into flesh to experience and grow Together.
Do I grow within an illusion?...Or, do I choose to seek Truth? Do I grow my logical mind and intelect, which places limits and judgments on everything? Or, do I connect with the spiritual Self, my deeper essence, my heart, my true feeling self...the self that existed before...and the self that exists after this life? The answer is as easy as my mind wants to believe. So, who is in control of me and my mind?
I am being controlled when I experience forms of suffering or self-sabotage. I am being controlled, because why would I knowingly choose suffering? I am living unconsciously, am I not? Why would I consciously choose pain and suffering? Who, or what is running my life? This is My Choice. Are we aware that we can choose how to react to life’s situations and challenges? We can react with love and compassion, or judgment and fear. What do we really desire to experience?
