Wow it is 2007!! -I have been waiting -building new things on the land, planting yucca, banana, and papaya -waiting for Marcin to arrive once again. I have been looking forward to his return since September. It is now January. Four months of learning and evolving. I worked with Ali, Daniella, Guillermo, Don Jesus, and ayahuasca. Got to points of clarity never before known. Feeling clear -feeling like a totally different person.
Marcin is returning on the 14th of this month. I am so happy to be seeing him again. It has not been an easy task developing the land, having employees, being the boss, so to speak. I did make mistakes but thankfully have learned a lot of good lessons. I have been living off of my credit card for the past month. I know I must return to the US. I want to put what I have learned to the test. My desire is to walk in faith, in knowing, and trust, for the rest of my life. No maps, No guidebooks.
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4:21pm: I have an intuition, a voice inside that guides. This voice is Spirit. If I listened and followed the guiding of Spirit more often, where would I be? Who would I be? There are signs that enter my life which guide me; synchronicities, coincedences, dejavu, divine encounters, and blessed experiences. All of this allows me to evolve in the direction of Spirit if I choose. If I am not listening to Spirit, if I am being brainwashed, filled with fear, self-doubt, and stress....I am not able to clearly hear the voice that guides. Instead, I continue down a path without light, into the shadows. My guide is from the light, and this is the path I choose. I take responsibility for what I create. My life, and the experiences that enter my life, are my creation - to learn and grow.
When I watch TV I don’t feel like I am living. I feel my life being stolen from me, sucked away -hour by hour. I am not living when I watch TV. I am not creating. I’m watching someone else’s creation. If I am not creating, I don’t feel like I am living. So many television zombies from the penthouses of downtown New York, to the shantie towns of India-- Television Zombies?....is this really what we have become?
Because within my rational mind there exists no other real voice. How could there be? To my rational mind, I am Joel..the former Marine, the artist, the pianist, the property manager, the brother, son, and friend. However, within these titles, or identites, or expressions, or roles......I feel limited. So, I have gone on a search within, and am finding there is indeed a within. A place where I am being called to explore.
This place within is more real than all other external realities. External realities are based on judgments, and dependant on individual opinion and speculation. The within that I am exploring is real, it does exist, and it is guiding me to live from this inner place. Living from my Spirit, living with Spirit, living as Spirit.
I can look at western life, and observe what that life has to offer me. The western world has plenty of illusions to offer me: Wealth, material posessions, good paying job, two weeks vacation each year, plastic surgery if I feel imperfect, hair implants if I start to go bald, medications if I get sick, lypo suction when I get fat, and advanced medical care when I get cancer...if I still have enough money to pay for it.
To live with the western mindset is to ignore my inner guidance. Can wisdom be gained through living asleep in an illusion? Can the meaning of love be found within a system that feeds off of the ignorant? Love is not separation, nor does it create separation. Western life is the definition of separation: The mastery and cultivation of individualism. When I believe, “I am separate from others,” it is because I have forgotten that we are all ONE. How can I love when I am living separate from everything and everyone? This is living a lie. Because the truth is, we are all the same energy, from the same creation. We are born into flesh to experience and grow Together.
Do I grow within an illusion?...Or, do I choose to seek Truth? Do I grow my logical mind and intelect, which places limits and judgments on everything? Or, do I connect with the spiritual Self, my deeper essence, my heart, my true feeling self...the self that existed before...and the self that exists after this life? The answer is as easy as my mind wants to believe. So, who is in control of me and my mind?
I am being controlled when I experience forms of suffering or self-sabotage. I am being controlled, because why would I knowingly choose suffering? I am living unconsciously, am I not? Why would I consciously choose pain and suffering? Who, or what is running my life? This is My Choice. Are we aware that we can choose how to react to life’s situations and challenges? We can react with love and compassion, or judgment and fear. What do we really desire to experience?
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I’m tired.
There is fear.
A fear within me
This is controlling me
Keeping me from living free
Fear leads the way to freedom
Conquer fear with trust, love, and comapssion
Live Free.
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