4.1.07 Sitting at Starbucks, A Nice Girl Without Hope

4.1.07, 6:30pm (Author's Journal)

Sitting at Starbucks coffee in Beaverton Oregon.

waiting for stereo alarm and speakers to be installed into my new 1991 ford econoline van

won 600 dollars playing video poker...while waiting and waiting all day for the instalation to be completed....

-Okay, perfect example of current day America:

I had a nice conversation about life with a single mother working in her mother’s video poker cafe.

28 yr old asian-latino female.

obese...more than overweight.

working at familie's video poker lounge.

father committed suicide due to failing business negotiation. He wanted to open up a day spa.

mother: frantic, stressed, complaining about everything and everyone.

heavy stress.

girl, was in auto accident 2 years ago. feels hopeless in every way.

starts work-out program, then after two or three days,

eats her way into a food induced coma and quits.

lives with child and other family members in a 5 bedroom house.

single mom.

unhappy.

television is always on at home.

everyone in family hates each other.

arguments..unhappiness...always.

feels helpless.

trapped.

un-hopeful.

fearful in every way.

sees only negative.

I shared my story with her and she took in what I had to share. was open. nice

kind, warm inside...within the dark outer there was a beautiful inner...a essence...

that is seeking an easy way out. Seeking Freedom.

If it is not going to be easy, she is unable (unwilling) to change..

she wants someone to force her to change...take her away from the television, lock her up and force change upon her.

She feels that she has no power of her own to create change in her life....

She feels that the only option is to force change upon her...someone

or, something else, must create the change in her life, because she feels she can NOT do it herself.

....I feel this is typical in America today. I see, and feel these attitudes in many people...in varying degrees.

interesting.

I love observing people, seeing how the mind works ...how it can free, or control people.

(thoughts)...............................

the descovery of self

happens when one desires to KNOW.

I can see very clearly that the exterior, or material world,

has very little to offer in comparison to inner knowledge.

the exterior falls into order when the inner is in order.

the basis for all life and substance is dependent upon an invisible essence.

when that essence is understood and balanced,

the outer has a firm foundation, a platform from which to stand

forever, and unending,

as the invisible essence is forever and unending.....

my mind, my body....i would like to take my existence more seriously

to focus

to focus on growth, evolution, perfection, a life impeccable.....

.............................

we are from the earth,

we all share the same air,

we are all individuals within the human race,

connected by blood,

and connected by spirit,

and connected through the desire to live in peace,

in happiness, and in love.

we are connected with everyone,

there is no escape from life.....

because the essence of life, which is what we really are,

cannot be destroyed, can never end, and will always be.

death is a lie.

sure, the body may fade away but we are not our bodies.

.......a me n......................................

VIP Lounge, Lima Airport: P E R U..journal

3.28.07...9:50pm

lima airport vip lounge....

somehow i managed to get a ticket into the vip lounge....and well,

I now feel a little out of place.

black suits, laptops at every turn, large flat screen tv, leather couches, chairs, crystal tables,

all propping up the egos of white men with money.

I walk up to the entrance, show my VIP Pass to the front desk, and enter.

this is a strange world we live in. I have entered the world of the VIP, Very Important Person.

It appears that a very important person in this lounge is one who has money....

I don't have money, but the only plane ticket available was in first class.

now I am a very important person. what the hell.

i grab my free coffee, mango juice, snacks and find a seat.

a few awkward looks from people. I am wearing white pants with black native shipibo designs,

handmade in San Francisco Peru....and a maroon t-shirt, and sandals.

the feeling in this lounge is a feeling one has at a funeral

a feeling of wasted life. a stale emptiness. lack of emotion...of feeling...of life.

what happened to the days when the very important person was the person with the most Wisdom.

I have always been curious to know what went on behind the private closed doors of the airport VIP lounge

...and now I know.

free food and drinks with fine luxurious ass kissing.

it would be nice to have a friend, or a real human here to sit with and talk....

i can not imagine having anything in common with the people in this place.

i sit here alone with my laptop computer, coffee, and analyze the passing moments.

-----I'm going to go see if there is internet available in this place......goodbye for now.

3.28.07 Airport, Lima Peru. Journal

Author Notes: This was written on 3.28.07 in my journal. Reflections and observations as I move from the jungle of Peru, to the modern jungle in America.....

·International Airport Lima Peru: 3.28.07: cloudy afternoon 3:30pm

away from San Francisco and the Shipibos,

away from the busy jungle city of Pucallpa,

and back into the Modern World.

busy travelers, western culture, expensive fast food,

and overpriced last minute souvenirs.

it is a challenge to see life the way I know it exists.

the magic of creation, and of spirit,

is much easier to see when submerged within the perfect simplicity...

of life outside of Materialism.

the magic is still happening everywhere.

however, it is a challenge to see it....

through the thick plastered material western world.

creation is everything.

where logic fails, the magic of spirit thrives...

ideas such as coincidence, synchronicity, dejavu, imagination, inspiration

all belong to the realms of spirit, of creation

and cannot be grasped within the limits of LOGIC.

LOGIC has run its course within the annals of human history

and it is now coming to an end.

LOGIC is not based on unfailing TRUTH

LOGIC has limitations as it is based on judgments

LOGIC has turned into its opposite: INSANITY

Everything that is not based on TRUTH

is without a foundation with which to stand.

LOGIC has been used to gain material possessions.

LOGIC has been used to strengthen the ego.

logic is coming to an end because it has no future.

.................................................

"nothing" is not an object of knowledge

it cannot be made into something,

otherwise it becomes something.

it is equal to spirit, energy, god, creation, unmanifested, space.

space has no existence....

however it allows everything else to exist.

silence has no existence either.

nor does the unmanifested.

what is the essence of a room....empty space.

space is nothing

what is not there, is more important than what is there.

think about nothing, do nothing,

be silence

be space

after becoming still,

just be.

............

"if there was no illusion

there would be no enlightenment"

-the Buddha

.............................

physical pleasure

outward gratification

happiness from physical pleasure

psychological gratification

....short lived, fulfillment seeking somewhere in the future,

taking the power away from "the Now".....

happiness is only gained in the present moment.

time is the greatest obstacle to salvation

i am there

there is no need to seek god

the only point of access to god is the NOW

[notes from Eckhart Tolle, the power of now]

.........................................

3.22.07 San Francisco Peru: Journal Entry

3.22.07

Author Notes: this journal was written while in a small native/ indigenous Shipibo community near Pucallpa Peru, just before returning to the USA after 1 year in the Amazon regions of Peru.

I am in San Francisco Peru right now, rain falling outside, Brett Dennon music playing on the laptop....
mosquito guts smeared across the computer screen.
Tulasi sleeping deeply in a comma of bliss accross the mosquito netted room from me
candel lit
mapacho tobacco nearby
feeling glorious

I traveled with Marcin from Poland, his 2 friends Tom and Dorota, to Iquitos PERU
where I met up with Rossy, a young Shipibo girl I new from from San Francisco. We got together and are at present time boyfriend girlfriend, and feel that i am going into a long distance relationship as i leave Peru in 1 week.
Together, we traveled to the Pacaya Samiria jungle reserve for one week
then, came back to Iquitos and said goodbye to Rossy as she had to return to san fran for school, and we left by boat to Yurimaguas....then onto Tarapoto by bus. I wanted to meet up with Ali who was visiting a community in the hills. he was not there and had left the day before our arrival. We entered the small pueblo of San Roque de Cumbaza.

Absolutely transforming adventure..vacation, traveling with Johnny was a blessing.
He opened up to "god" and god spoke through him to me: "never forget to pray to god- pray every moment..life should be a prayer, a walking talking conversation with god." This was the message and I felt it, and heard it, loud and clear.

How are we to know god if we never have conversations...if we never talk?
It is like any other kind of relationship, it takes time, energy, desire, and communication.

In San Roque we came across a huge pile of shrooms and had a ceremony.
spoke to god through Johnny
pure enlightened truth, Johnny was no longer present as johnny.

The next day i watched a documentary called The Secret.
The Secret talks about the :Law Of Attraction: and i realized that everything i came seeking came to me
through this universal LAW
i had tears in my eyes as the message came to me so clear that my journey in Peru was over. time to go HOME.

Marcin wanted to travel with me another month or two around Peru to see Cuzco and Macci Pichu, then Lake Titicaca.
however, the message came through loud and clear. it is time.....

I choose to stop by San Fran on the way home to talk more with Rossy, and check in on the animals and house, and Tulassi, all is as expected, animals happy, good energy in the home and throughout the land.

So nice to be here..feeling the complete freedom.
. ...plane flight leaves from Lima to Portland on the 28th...cant wait to see my old friends back in the western world...
my magical blessed adventure has been so inspiring on every level of my being.

I know myself like never I thought I would
Thank you god, creator, self.

Resting now, taking the 1 year in Peru, into my soul, one breath at a time..
exhaling love, gratitude, peace, and happiness out into my world and universe.
blessings unending

joel:)

................................

- t r u t h -

truth came as a thief in the night

stealing my identity

robbing me of me

truth is a candle lit in the darkness-

soul opening and expanding

the light and energy dissolving fear,

dissolving everything that is clouded.

bringing light into the day-

hope is not needed,

Truth is the only thing that exists.

...............................

when will the world end
when will there be an apocalypse
when will the second coming happen
what will happen in 2012
will there be a pole shift,
...an ice age,
total destruction etc..etc...

these questions come from fear
they come from a place of dissatisfaction
from being disconnected with god truth and self
if i am with god in this moment
then there are no questions, there is trust, and flowing within guidance.
why not spend my time perfecting self
instead of preoccupation over possible futures?

the future does not exist....there is only this moment and potential possibilities.

why waste the time and life i have been given....?

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